Here is a list of 52 things people have actually written on their resumes.  Here's a sneak peek:

1. I am very detail-oreinted.
2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
3. Thank you for your consideration.  Hope to hear from you shorty!
4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
5. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
8. If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
9. My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job."  And I like your company in particular.